BBW

The term BBW (Big Beautiful Women) to me simply means fat women. Afterall, women in general are already beautiful. There are people out there who thinks BBW means women with big upper assets or just full figured/curvy women.

Well, i dedicate to my BBW mentors whom i feel gives the sexy back into women who are fat. Geezz....saying the word FAT seems so insulting to me! But still, can't deny the truth there.

The very captivating Sara Ramirez, she puts the sexy back in all BBWs. 

My most favourite BBW is Sara Ramirez. She's the reason i watch Grey Anatomy. She's all that meat on them bones, lot of confidence, great smile, just beautiful in my eyes. She's my no. 1 celebrity i look at when i want to be inspired or motivated. I read that she had her insecurities when it came to certain scenes in Grey Anatomy where she has to flaunt her body (i.e. dancing in her undies!) but it's something that the writers want in their show, how woman actually look, not some stick thin anorexic model.

Next comes Queen Latifah. Her look is always sleek and chic although i read that she prefers to be casual than dressing up for red carpets. Her movie characters are always strong, full of spunk, to-your-face and always interesting to watch. Cheers to you my Queen!

Another outstanding BBW is Melissa McCarthy. Instantly loved her as Suki in Gilmore Girls and when i saw her in Bridesmaid, I was a little taken back at the loud boyish character but still, as an actress she showed she got what it takes. Instantly likable and someone we all can relate to. There's always that fat girl in the group who's always funny and bubbly, she fits that bill.  

Kathy Bates. Wow. Hearing that name, your mind instantly think of the movie `Misery', based on Stephen King's novel. It's been a long time since that movie and many other roles she has taken (ie Failure to Launch, Titanic,  but none as effective as playing Annie Wilkes. The latest movie i saw her is `A Little Bit of Heaven' and upon seeing her, I smiled. She has such a presence, such aura.

A recent photo of Rosanne Bar.

Rosanne during her sitcom years.

Rosanne Barr. Now that's someone we haven't heard of for a while. When i saw her in her sitcom, I just love her vivacious, funny but no nonsense mother character. She's sure something else to watch. Over the years she lose weight but she never became stick thin. Recently i heard she's running for President? Well, good luck, m'dear.

Chandra Wilson a.k.a Dr Miranda Bailey
Chandra Wilson is up next. I must admit i have only seen her act in Grey Anatomy but it stuck to me and i simply loved her no-nonsense character. She has won numerous awards for her role in this series and it shows why. 

Gabourey as Claireece in the movie Precious

An old picture of her during `Rosanne' years.

She took Hollywood by storm. Gabourey Sidibe took the role as Claireece "Precious" Jones and i bet her life changed in real life after that. A check in Wikipedia showed she won 14 awards and was nominated 15 times for that her first breakthrough. It was that effective and it speaks volumes to me that people want to see real life scenarios on the screen. We escape real life to see movies and sometimes movies like these makes us stayed glued to the screen, simply because it's different and it's real. I've to admit that i was put off at first seeing her in Precious but as it progresses, I sat through the whole movie and in the end, I really thought she did an impressive job. Recently I read that she has lost 50 pounds! Congratulations, girl! She done it out of health problems and that's always the best motivation for people like me. I'll definitely continue to watch out for this force of nature.

Look out for this one.

So it goes to show BBW do have a place in this world where Barbie likes are preferred. Except of course, we have to work extra hard to excel in this type of uphill battle. May the force be in all of you, my little grasshoppers.......life, after all, is like a box of chocolates. 

Exercise Exercise Exercise

Okay…….this part is my weakest. Snip off Samson’s long hair and he loses his power, as in Superman with Kryptonite….same scenario with me and exercise.

I don’t like the huffing and puffing part as it reminds me of my asthma attacks, just thinking of it makes me want to reach for my Ventolin inhaler! Neither do I like the idea of sweaty pits, wet patches in the t-shirt which outlines the bra…face turning red and struggling to look all cool when inside I feel like diving into a tub of ice. Forget about the burn at my carves and pinching pain on my lower back, how about my bruised ego when people turn to stare and actually laugh seeing all that. Yeah…that all happened at my both attempts to jog last week.   

After losing 10kgs, it has been a struggle to lose more. I figure that I cannot possiblily eat anymore less than I already am, afterall, I’m aiming to learn how to eat rather than be in a diet. So I guess a try is to up my exercise regime. For the past 4 months, I’ve been faithfully cycling on my recumbent exercise bike, a good investment for someone overweight with back problems like me. I started with 15mins and gradually increased to 50mins. I must watch a tv series or a good movie in order to not feel like I’m doing it, like, forever. It can get rather boring but still, I managed to get my heart rate up to 140 to know I’m burning calories and getting a good workout. Pat on my back, it’s a HUGE change for a couch potato like me. I mean, I do housework and I’m always on the move but to actually exercise is sometimes I haven’t done in……wow….more than 15 years.

If I were to surf the internet on for weight loss bloggers who are successful, I somehow, always see that the exercise regime that works is running. Very often, it’s a slow jog and later a run. And pretty soon, they’re running marathons! My sister lost and maintained her weight by running. She does other exercises too but running seem to be her primary regime and she really seem to enjoy doing it. 

Perhaps I was a little too over zealous to just suddenly jog like that. Even from secondary school, I hated it and when I did it last week, the feeling didn’t change. I could feel every fat cell in my body jiggling and wobbling, I was very conscious of all that. I think even if there’s no one around at that park, I myself would be my greatest critic.

But still, I shouldn’t pass this jogging thing so fast. Perhaps next time, I’ll do a big walk first and very, very slowly pick up from there.

I’ll still continue to see what else I can do for exercise. My next try is an old favorite of mine……..dancing. Woo Woo!!!!!!

My brush with Telogen Effluvium

My hair on Aug 10

On early May 2011, I was admitted for a mysterious illness that made my head and face swell. There were some bleeding inside my nose and ear but the ENT specialist said those swellings are from skin infection due to my diabetic condition. Although I didn’t feel that was the right diagnoses, I made big changes to my life after that incident.

Anyhow, after the swellings subsides, areas effected was left with peeling skin, especially on my head. It’s like when we have bad sunburn on our heads, we scratch and layers of skin comes out. It was painless, looks like very bad dandruff cases if you don’t remove them from your hair.

My hair on Aug 19, isn't getting any better

Perhaps it was due to that, after one month, my hair started to drop in alarming volume. I brushed my worries aside, thinking it’s just for a while. Well! This continued on for 4 months and by August 2011, I must’ve lost more than 50% of my hair. It’s an overall head hair loss, not in patches and other areas bodily hairs are not effected. Just running my fingers through my hair once would result in about 20-30 hairs on my palm. My hair is found everywhere, not so much on my pillow when I wake up but on the floor, on my clothes. After I sense people turning to double take on my hair, I started wearing a baseball cap wherever I go. It was extremely uncomfortable for me doing so, especially when I’m in a shopping complex or eating in a restaurant with my family.

The GP I went to see about my problem recommended I see a skin specialist! I didn’t know we see a skin specialist for serious hair problems. Well, the skin specialist need just ask a few questions before confirming I have a condition called `Telogen Effluvium’. It’s a condition where massive hair loss occurs after a high fever, serious infection or after a surgical procedure. Some women experience it after giving birth. It can also be caused by stress and sudden weight loss. Telogen Efflivium was already written inside my diary as I have been doing research on my condition in the internet and this kept popping up when I read on it’s symptoms. The skin specialist smiled when I showed him this. I’m convinced, in my case, it’s because of the swellings I had and I did have very high fever then. It couldn’t be stress because I have it all the time! It couldn’t be due to the weight loss because I’ve read that losing 2-3kgs a month is ideal.

The specialist couldn’t say when my hair will stop falling as it differs from case to case but he ensures me that it will grow back. He added that me worrying about this (hence adding stress) will actually make my hair fall even more. He said I should focus on the positive instead, like eventually my hair will grow back. I was given `Minoxidil’, a liquid solution to be sprayed on my scalp everyday. Minoxidil doesn’t stop the hair falling process, it just encourages hair re-growth. And like any skin medication in Malaysia, it wasn’t cheap.

Me at the men's saloon getting my head shave on Sept 5

Freshly crew cut on Sept 5

So, after about a few weeks of application, I still see hair loss and my frustration increases. Wearing a cap just seem pointless since only few bits of my remaining hair is sticking out from the cap, looking like rat tails. I guess out of frustration and my will not to worry about this anymore, I decided to give my head a shave! I did the deed on Sept 5, I hope it’ll be the one and only time I need to do it. I wasn’t very concerned about my shave, I did want to try it from my early twenties and now’s the chance. Well, it wasn’t as bad as it seems although I did second guess myself at last minute. I couldn’t turn back, by then the first run through with the electric shaver has grazed on my head.

I'm happy seeing my hair growing again - as at Sept 25

It’s Sept 26 and although I did notice my hair did continue to fall, I also notice my hair growing. It’s really a HUGE relief seeing that. I shall further update this blog as I progress but I hope I am already out of the red.












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Picture above is taken on Oct 26, 2011. Hair has grown back and it's safe to say my hair is no longer falling. In fact, it seem a little thicker than usual but then again, it's still very short to compare it when my hair is a lot longer. 


Perhaps i didn't need to buy that medication that cost RM160 for a small bottle and let nature take it's course.


But i'm very happy and immensely relieved this hair-ish nightmare is over!

7 SINS

I’ve always loved playing console games, especially after I met my husband which is also a gamer, this intensified my addiction to them. Perhaps later on in this blog, I shall start putting a list of games I’ve played, how I rate the games, my `recommendation’ to them. Good idea?

Anyways, recently I played a PC game called Sacra Terra: Angelic Night. It’s a hidden item game based on the 7 sins. Many times I’ve come upon this subject in my past, in movies, books, articles and I remember playing a PS2 game on this matter too. The irony is that I also recently came upon a friend of mine who blogged on this subject too. Wow….what a coincidence! A little scary but still, wow. As I played this game, I had complied some information and also saved some of it’s pictures from this game. I had wanted to write a piece about it when I saw my friend (Karin) had already done so. Anyways, I’ll go ahead a piece together mine in this blog.

I’ve discovered that the 7 sins corresponds with 7 demons each. These 7 demons are also known as Prince of Hell. Shall we go into them? Please take note that these demon prince list is according to Peter Binsfield, a Jesuit, written in 1589.

LUST – Asmodeus

SLOTH, VANITY - Belphegor

PRIDE, ARROGANCE – Lucifer

ENVY – Leviathan

ANGER/RAGE – Satan

GLUTTONY – Beelzebub a.k.a Baal

GREED – Mammon

So often we speak/write about the 7 sins but there are oppositions to them ( the 7 virtues) which some may not know. They are as follows :

1. PRIDE, ARROGANCE – HUMILITY

2. GREED - CHARITY

3. LUST – CHASTITY

4. ANGER/RAGE – PATIENCE

5. GLUTTONY – TEMPERANCE

6. ENVY – KINDNESS

7. SLOTH, VANITY – DILIGENCE

And another POSITIVE note is that there is what I read as The Angelic Council a.k.a Seven Archangels. They don’t have associations with the opposing 7 sins. They are :

The Angelic Council" ("Ангельский Собор"). An Eastern Orthodox Church icon of the "Seven Archangels". From left to right: St Jehudiel, St Gabriel, St Sealtiel, St Michael, St Uriel, St Raphael, St Barachiel. Beneath the mandorla of Christ Emmanuel are representations of Cherubim (in blue) and Seraphim (in red).

1. St Michael

2. St Gabriel

3. St Raphael

4. St Uriel

5. St Raquel

6. St Remiel

7. St Saragael

I guess to sum it all up, I know evil exist in this world…..hence I believe God exist too. Shall we Amen to that? 

Red Lipstick and Questions......

The other day I happened to find some old audio CDs and when I was free, I listened to them. If they were ok, I’d copy them into my PC. If not, I’d toss them away. So upon listening to them, I’m immediately transported back to my disco days. So many flashbacks came upon me, leaving me in a trance of music, lights and dance. Old Def Leppard, some Michael Jackson (man, he’s truly a super star), Linkin Park, the great Scorpions…….gosh, they’re like old friends I’ve forgotten.

My lips in red, nice?

I reminisce my trademark look, those red red lipstick, black eyeliner, my high heels, tights and tight shirts. Well, I was a lot more `shapely’ then…sigh…and my stomach wasn’t as huge as it is now. I was crazy, carefree and I loved life. It was an amazing time. It’s the disco every Saturday and I’d hit the dance floor for hours. There was this one time when I was with a group of girls, some guys try to chat us up. One of the guys actually thought I was Japanese, we giggled and just said that I am. I danced with him but that was it, I didn’t talk at all as I was shy.

Then, I shut off the music which I was listening through headphones, turned around to check on my sleeping kids and I’m suddenly brought back to reality. I’m 38 years old now, I’ve two kids and I’m way out of shape. My eyes have been opened to the harsh reality of life, of what it can do to bring me pain, suffering but also the realization that God is amist it all, still looking out for me eventhough I thought He had forsaken me and tossed me to a buffet of delighted devils.

So, I can’t help but wonder, really, is there a way to relive those happy moments where everything is more one dimensional rather than four? To laugh out loud, the type of laugh that bares all 36 teeth and gums, that really exercises the lungs, make our stomach ache. Do I need that red lipstick again or heels to feel that again? What will I need to do to find that innocence when I hit 40? Are those times over and ultimately gone? When I continue to ponder on this question, I guess I’ll add this thought or question into my list of motivational thoughts. That I really should continue to be a better me, to try my best to live a healtier life, all so that I will be able to find the answer to these questions. How can one die without experiencing that happiness again, or at least try to relive it again but in a different way………….what way??? That’s the question. 

Diet plan part 1 - snacks and breakfast.

My style of eating throughout the years have always been, well, more than 3 FULL meals a day. I don't snack because it sounds....errr....`limited' as snacking only allows you, like what, one bowl of fruits, some biscuits or (yeah, it's an OR not a AND) maybe glass of milk. Might i add i don't drink milk either, it's a habit i never i since i was a kid and found it difficult to stomach even if i tried, not that i'm lactose intolerance. 

But there came a lot of times when we have that FIRST bite of potato chips or a small bite of that moist chocolate cake...hhmmm.....how can we just stop at one? I'd finish the whole bag, non stop or the whole piece of cake (though finishing one whole cake doesn't sound impossible!). It's one of those snacks that once we start eating, we just can't stop. 

I had some problem with this during the past 4 months of learning to eat. I'd not snack for days into weeks and then, suddenly there's this Pringles Potato Chips for sale at the supermarket. I got 2 tubes of it, thinking i'll just eat a little bit of it while my husband and kids can finish the rest........yeah right!! Goes without saying what happened at just two sitting, i finished them to the last bit of salt. And you know how it felt after that. A mixture of contentment, pleasure and toppings of extreme guilt.

I have to do something about this snacking part. So i came up a snacking system where i keep raw cut vegetables in my fridge, stored in nice containers (for presentation??) and whenever i feel the HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, it's a system devised for emotional eaters like me), i'd just eat as many as i want.

Picture of the right is prepared by me this morning, containing 3 stalks of celery, 1 carrot, 1 head of broccoli (yeah, raw...takes time to get used to it) and 1 zucchini. It'll do no harm if i finish them all today or in two days, they're good for me. And yes, it takes time to get used to them and they taste nothing like potato chips but the feeling i get after eating these are fulfillment, satisfaction and pride.

Breakfast was another problem for me. I'm so used to a local food called `Nasi Lemak' which pairs with piping hot black `Aik Cheong' coffee or Nescafe....like heaven on top of heaven!! Pictures on the left....yummy.... hhhmmmmmmmmm.....and they're easily more than 500 calories just for breakfast. I ate them every single day for......err......a very long time. Pictured below..........

My New Breakfast Option, less than 200 cal!

So i've to toss the idea, picture of it in my mind, the taste of it in my mouth and nostrils (i give my husband the evil eye whenever he brings them back to eat). It was something very hard to do but for my health and family sake, i must. It's a ultimatum for me, do or die...literally. So I tried, tested and found that drinking Horlicks, with a couple of spoons of instant oats and some protein powder helps. I added the protein powder because my hair was failling a lot and it's something i bought (which later i found out would do my hair no use) for sale at a pharmacy. It's nearing it's expiry date and it's a waste not to finish it, even on sale it's expensive to me (about RM55). If i'm feeling peckish, i'll nibble some dry crackers along with it. And would immediately move along with housework. Staying idle would make me imagine food that i cannot eat, so move it!!!

My Diet Changes in the past 4 months.

Yes!! I’ve done it! Now I’m 90kgs and it’s been more than 15 years that I was 100kgs. I remember this as 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with diabetes and my endocrinologist was forever harping me to lose weight, at least let my weight be in double digits. I waited for this weight to remain at 90 whenever I stepped on the scale, to make sure it’s not water weight. Actually I’m 1kg less than my target for this month, I wasn’t feeling very good about it for the past few weeks. I’ve targeted myself to lose 3 kgs every month. Something I feel is more achievable. Slowly but surely. So I’ve put the below list to look at whenever I need a boost. It’s a list of changes I’ve made within this 4 months, I would say they’re very drastic changes in my diet. They seem nothing to others but to me, it’s about breaking the cycle and for someone like me, it’s super hard.

1. Stopped drinking diet coke and pepsi max – I’ve this intense love for carbonated (gassy) drinks. It give me a real KICK when I’m in tired or stressed. Since I’m diabetic, diet coke and pepsi max `seems’ to be the only ones I can drink with having a sugar spike, sugar headache or going into diabetic coma!! I can drink one or two cans a day and eventhough it says it’s almost zero calories, there was a nagging feeling inside me that says this is not good for my body. Artificial sugars as just as bad as raw sugar, no matter how you try to exchange it. For diabetics, it’s always best to go cold turkey.

Drink more Green Tea

2. Stopped drinking coffee and tea – same like drinking carbonated drinks, it gave me another extra boost when I need a pick-me-up or complete a meal I’m eating. Drink piping hot black coffee with a large packet of nasi lemak (a local dish) is a must every morning for many years. My favorite would be `Aik Cheong’ brand, so fragrant and strong. I’ve tried quitting coffee before but I got bad withdrawal symptoms like headaches within just a day. Later when I read about these withdrawal symptoms in the internet, I’m surprised to learn that some painkillers (taken for the headaches) have some caffeine in them. These small dosage of caffeine in the painkillers helps in the withdrawal headaches. I was `A-HA! I didn’t know that’. So my next trick was to drink very light tea whenever those headaches comes and sure enough, the headaches instantly goes away. Within a week, I noticed the headaches are no more and I’m very pleased to discover coffee doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I’m coffee free after so many years!!!  Why? I’ve been told that for every one cup of coffee I drink, I must drink 4 cups of plain water to replenish the calcium lost. I was told this by a masseur when I was suffering from a DOUBLE slipped disc for more than 4 months. Anyone who has slipped disc before would understand the pain, yeah, so bad that you’d enough to want to make changes in your lives. 

3. I’ve started to take oats for breakfast – well, more like a beverage as it’s mixed with Horlicks. I can’t stomach the full taste of gooey, stickiness of card box and it so reminds of all my hospital stays. I’ve asked a friend before what she ate for breakfast to lose weight and she told me to try oatmeal. Truthfully, the thought of having oatmeal for breakfast is as near as sentencing me to life in jail. I cannot imagine not beginning my day with my black coffee and nasi lemak, but hey, as I’ve said before, I HAVE to make changes. Of course it was hard but come to think of it, breakfast was actually something to be taken before 8am. Snacks or anything light is at 10am and then it’s lunch about 12.30 to 1pm. You need 2 hours to digest food and let poor stomach rest before loading it with food again. My dietician (when I was pregnant) frankly told me I’m eating heavy meals every 2 hours and I didn’t realize that until she told me. Anyways, with my hectic mornings in getting my kids ready for school, I usually find time for my usual breakfast only at 9.15am, I mean, common, who gets hungry so early in the morning? Now, I’ve to make my meals count, no matter how busy (or lazy) I am. So it’s insulin injection about 7.30am and my horlicks oats drink after that. If I’m hungry in an hour, I’ll allow myself some oat biscuit to chew at. Usually by 11am, I’d feel the hunger pangs coming on but I’ve learnt to ignore them and scold them into keeping quiet. `It’s only an hour to lunch time, can you wait?’. But I do have some `chee cheong fun’ with some side fish ball once every week or some tim sum. But I don’t crave for nasi lemak anymore. Although my husband do eat them, the whole house would smell of it and I’d give him the evil eye. But I’ve learnt that walking away from it, switch on my PC to play games helps to keep my mind off it.

Grapefruit - one of my many new companions

4. Grapefruit – I’ve always read that this fruit is good for losing weight but hate the sour taste it gives. I cannot eat or drink oranges and somehow, grapefruit is like a substitute for me. I heard it also helps lower insulin levels and blood pressure too. True? I don’t know but it’s a healthy fruit to have. I eat them whenever I have cravings, the sourness of it makes me forget them!

5. I only eat white rice once a week – I live in a country where white rice is the staple diet. It’s eaten on all 3 main meals and it’s something I am determined to change for my children. I’ve tested myself after eating rice and my sugar is always over 10, and it’s only one small Chinese bowl of rice. Forget about brown rice or multi-grain rice, they don’t taste as good!! Like I said, I’d rather go cold turkey. I do allow myself a treat once in a while, usually it’s when I’m eating at my favorite Japanese restaurant where they serve yummy fried garlic rice. I would slow eat the small bowl of it, feel a little guilty but I’ll tell myself that I need this to keep sane, I’m not dieting, I’m learning how to eat.

The above are the most obvious changes in my diet that has helped me lose weight. I think about them when I need motivation to keep on in my marathon of life. Other than that, I exercise on my recumbent bike for 45 mins (I started at 15mins, which felt like forever) about 4-5times a week. This part of exercise I shall blog at another time, it’s a whole different story!!