Took me about 3 and half months to lose 10kgs and it took that exact time for me to put back on the 10kgs.

I'm back to wear i started.

I'm such a failure.

Doomed to be fat for life.

I so hate myself

I hope YOU are happy now.

Dark Clouds, please go away.....

It's down time for me for this several months after losing 10kgs, I not only stumbled on a concrete wall but i currently put back on 5kgs.

Perhaps it's the external pressure and also pressure i put upon myself that made me fall off the bandwagon. I know i'm dealing with emotional eating problems as i'm back to snacking and i crave a lot more now.

But thank God i didn't go back to drinking caffeine or carbonated drinks, or eating rice...although there are two or three instances i ate a whole plate of fried rice.

I've read that emotional eating is from feelings of loneliness, boredom, stress or just plain physically tired. I feel all of them, so how?

There are times now that i find myself preparing for the worst, getting unattached from my family. I want them to not depend on me so much.....this is so...that when i die, they won't be left hanging so much. I'm teaching my kids to pick up after themselves, do some housework. Not because i'm lazy and want them to do the housework, but because mu husband won't have to hurriedly look for another wife to look after them. Of course i allow my husband to re-marry after i'm gone but she has to be a better person than me, a better mother, a better wife. That is my only clause.

I've so much health problems this year, right from my asthma attacks, my slipped disc, my swollen head and then me losing my hair. When started losing weight, i feel, somehow, in control of my life. That perhaps that is the push i needed to improve my health. But now? Why am i always such a failure?

Weight Loss Surgery

Yesterday as i was channel surfing, I stopped at an old Oprah talk show (2009) on a then latest weight loss surgery, which was still on experiment. It's a Deep Brain Stimulation Surgery for Weight Loss. Check out her website on this at http://www.oprah.com/health/Radical-Weight-Loss-Surgery How interesting is that, sounds gruesome but still interesting enough for me to keep watching.

Carol Poe is a 60 year old (that makes her 62 now) morbidly obese woman who has tried all diets, exercises including stomach stapling and gastric bypass to lose weight. She is only the second person in the United State who underwent this trial surgery.

Two electrical probes is inserted 4 inches into Carol's brain, to reach the part where our appetite stimulats are. It's a 3 hour surgery which requires the patient to be awake the entire time. The brain feels no pain, so only anesthetics are applied on the skin of the head. This 2 electrical probes are linked to 2 pacemaker like thingies located on lower left and right shoulder. So there has to be 2 wires running from her brain, down to her neck to reach the shoulders. After the wounds have healed, the devices are  turned on.

During the talk show, Carol said that she has already lost 11 pounds since the surgery 9 weeks back. She claims to have no food cravings after that and is making better choices on her diet.

Now, I wanted to know what is the latest update on Carol Poe and there seems to be no information of this on the internet. Perhaps i need to search deeper. But I came across a lot of conversations and remarks on this surgery. All of which i felt were negative and sort-of putting Carol Poe down for going through such desperate measures to lose weight.

In my point of view, she was EXTREMELY BRAVE to offer herself in this trial. Only another obese person would know how she feels being so overweight like that. A lot of times, I've felt i'd rather die than continue being like this, so i understand Carol's choice. She was actually excited about being awake during the procedure, she felt no pain and heard the saw drilling into her head. I was, like, WOW. She's awesome! 

Applause Please!

So, to Carol Poe, I admire your bravery and determination to overcome your problem. I will continue to find out about your progress, I do hope it was successful. If not, you have nerves of steel to go through that. At least you tried and i believe you will continue trying. 

JENNIFER HUDSON

I've long been a red carpet follower, a celebrity watcher of Hollywood. What they wear, what they do, whatever juicy gossips (however true or not is actually irrelevant), they all interests me. 


This person, Jennifer Hudson, however, it getting rather irritating to watch. She started from American Idol, then on to winning an Oscar for her role in Dream Girls. But this two events are nothing compared to the publicity she's getting from losing weight. Every single remark i get for the past 2 years have been about how much weight she's losing, how great she looks, she being a Jenny Craig spokesperson, blah, blah, blah.   


Me, jealous? I've search that within me but the answer is NO. I'm forever looking for people to inspire me and give that `If she can do it, so can i' feeling. For the first few pictures of her losing weight, yes, I was impressed but after that, it gets irritating. Like a fruit fly in my face.

I'm, like, ENOUGH ALREADY!!

So, to give her a place in my blog is a just prize for her efforts. But please, don't keep rubbing it on my face.

During her American Idol days

A size 16 on 2006

She won an Oscar for Dream Girls on 2007

During her pregnancy on 2009

Hence forth, the below is the current new her....sigh......a size zero. Enough? Let's move on......

 Someone please get me some chocolates.

I chanced upon an article in Top Sante magazine, July 2011 issue (left pic). The cover story titled `Is Exercise Making You Fat?’ obviously caught my attention.

After reading it, I realize that I’ve to look at my weight loss program in a different perspective. I would like to share some of it’s key points that spoke volumes to me.

* If we’re honest, most of us see exercise as a form of punishment made bearable only by that virtuous feeling when it’s all over. Example : a Lou Fox, 37, from Warwickshire, says `the best part of my Zumba class is when it ends and I can go for coffee and cake’. This is not a healthy attitude.

* Exercise is important to health and wellbeing, but it should never be used as a coping strategy for overeating.

One study compared two groups: those who watched an extra hour of TV a day and those who did an extra hour of exercise. Guess which group ate the most? The exercisers – on average. Another study drew a similar conclusion, after women who were asked to do supervised exercise to lose weight just increased their food intake to compensate.

* Doing more exercise means the body simply resets it’s equilibrium, so you have to increase your calorie intake to make up for the extra fuel requirements – or else conserve energy by doing less. You end up wolfing down two dinners after your aerobics class or spend the rest of the evening on the sofa with your feet up because you’re so exhausted.

* If you ‘re using exercise as a coping strategy for disordered eating, it’s unlikely to be sustainable.

* Exercising can become a form of bulimia. If you use it to purge your body of calories, it can be hard to step off the treadmill – physically and mentally. The guilt takes over until you can’t eat anything without exercising – you must go to the gym, whether you want to or not, it becomes all-consuming.

* There’s no getting away from the fact the only way to lose weight AND keep it off is to change your eating habits.

* Not that anybody is suggesting we ditch exercise altogether, simply that we change our thinking. Ironically when you start to exercise for the right reasons, you’re much more likely to maintain it. The mood boost you get will have a knock=on effect on your diet and you’ll be less likely to comfort eat in the first place.

Does any of the above ring bells for you and sounds familiar?

Somehow I feel sorry for my body which I’ve been punishing and my mind which I’ve been fooling for these past few months. Everyday I face that calendar infront of me, reminding myself how many more days till end of the month where I should have lost my target weight for that month. I constantly berate and curse myself for being so weak and useless. I feel so much shame and guilt after I wolf down that extra helping and I never want look myself in the mirror or catch my own reflection to remind myself what a failure I have been and will continue to be.

I’ve always been `bullied’ for my weight. From when I was little until now, during school days, working days and even strangers who whisper, giggle or give me that disgusted look, I made all that my motivation to lose weight. And everytime when a diet fails or when weight piles on, I feel as though I have let myself down. In actual fact, I am my worse enemy.  I criticize myself the most.

I guess I have a lot to ponder on, to reflect on. But I do need to continue with my diet, I’ve achieved a milestone already. Isn’t this journey such a pain in the ass? There are wars in Afghanistan and famine in Somalia, crisis in the East, the world is in turmoil. But the greatest war is, within me. 

Hitting a brick wall

For the past 2 months, my weight loss plan seem to be at a stand still. I’m stuck at 90kgs, after losing 10kgs. I suppose the good part is that I HAVE already lost some weight BUT the bad part seem to out weigh the good now. I’m 4 kgs behind schedule. And although some of the habits I’ve painfully ditched like caffeine and rice did not return, some of my old ones did. Snacking is one, cravings is another. In a diet like mine, with this body of mine, I find I simply cannot snack or eat in between meals. Once I start, it’s VERY hard to stop.

My senses seem to be working against me in this one. When I was at the cyber café the other day, I heard the sound of someone eating, munching potato chips. Oh! The sound of the crispiness, crackling inside the mouth. It’s simply too much to not imagine the food in my head, I didn’t have to turn to look at who’s eating it and what they’re eating, my imagination did all that. That stayed with me for a few days until I just have to buy a bag of it and polish it all in one go. It was very satisfying but of course, I felt like crap after that.

Another strange thing I’ve been craving for everyday are chicken liver! I really don’t know why I seem to can’t have enough of it since I’ve never liked them before. I’ve checked in the internet and it seems about one pop is about 130calories….and I’ve been eating about 3 of them for breakfast! This has to stop!!

My eyes also betrayed me as I caught a glimpse of one of my favourite food, ebi tempura. Ebi tempura is a Japanese cuisine – deep fried prawns in batter. Yeah, the word deep fried is sin enough. And again, that imagine stayed in my mind for a few days and as all cravings that cannot be ignored, I just have to eat it before I go out of my mind.

Exercise has also taken a back seat. I keep an exercise dairy, in order to make sure I have at least 30mins of exercise 5-6 times a week. I’m so disappointed to see that in the month of October, the whole thing was empty.

Help me, Jesus, no matter how silly my requests are. I know you listen to me. My weight loss is important to me.Take away my food cravings, my addictions. I want to be a better person, not only for me but for my kids and family. I implore You, Jesus. Give me this chance as You have given me so many. 

Common, girl. Get up and jump back on the band wagon. You need to do this. Not only for yourself, but for your kids. Remember how sick you felt before? You want to go through that again?? NO!! Find that strength inside yourself again, you can do this. You CAN do this. Prove them all wrong!!   

Recently I read from FatFighterTV that there is a personal trainer who is making himself fat on purpose. That caught my attention immediately. So much so, i feel it deserves to be mentioned here in my blog.

His name is Drew Manning and judging from this photo, you can see the very obvious changes he made of himself. Since May this year, he has put on 70 pounds and it seems he's not done yet. His mission is to put on a lot of weight for 6 months and then lost all that weight in the next 6 months. He calls it the `Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit' journey.

In his interview, he talked about how he's putting all that weight with no exercise and unrestricted diet. He also experienced what his clients means as food craving and the withdrawal symptoms. It's awesome reading that from a totally fir people before this. It's awesome that someone would want to know how we, obese people, feel.

Is this some kind of hoax or publicity stunt? Photos can be altered and there's just too many people seeking attention these days. I'm out of there if somehow later, we have to pay to know his progress or later find out this is all a stupid joke. Well, for me, it's worth following his progress and i would appreciate any advice and tips he can offer from his experience.

You can follow his journey at http://fit2fat2fit.com/. I know i will.  Good luck, Mr Drew!!

BBW

The term BBW (Big Beautiful Women) to me simply means fat women. Afterall, women in general are already beautiful. There are people out there who thinks BBW means women with big upper assets or just full figured/curvy women.

Well, i dedicate to my BBW mentors whom i feel gives the sexy back into women who are fat. Geezz....saying the word FAT seems so insulting to me! But still, can't deny the truth there.

The very captivating Sara Ramirez, she puts the sexy back in all BBWs. 

My most favourite BBW is Sara Ramirez. She's the reason i watch Grey Anatomy. She's all that meat on them bones, lot of confidence, great smile, just beautiful in my eyes. She's my no. 1 celebrity i look at when i want to be inspired or motivated. I read that she had her insecurities when it came to certain scenes in Grey Anatomy where she has to flaunt her body (i.e. dancing in her undies!) but it's something that the writers want in their show, how woman actually look, not some stick thin anorexic model.

Next comes Queen Latifah. Her look is always sleek and chic although i read that she prefers to be casual than dressing up for red carpets. Her movie characters are always strong, full of spunk, to-your-face and always interesting to watch. Cheers to you my Queen!

Another outstanding BBW is Melissa McCarthy. Instantly loved her as Suki in Gilmore Girls and when i saw her in Bridesmaid, I was a little taken back at the loud boyish character but still, as an actress she showed she got what it takes. Instantly likable and someone we all can relate to. There's always that fat girl in the group who's always funny and bubbly, she fits that bill.  

Kathy Bates. Wow. Hearing that name, your mind instantly think of the movie `Misery', based on Stephen King's novel. It's been a long time since that movie and many other roles she has taken (ie Failure to Launch, Titanic,  but none as effective as playing Annie Wilkes. The latest movie i saw her is `A Little Bit of Heaven' and upon seeing her, I smiled. She has such a presence, such aura.

A recent photo of Rosanne Bar.

Rosanne during her sitcom years.

Rosanne Barr. Now that's someone we haven't heard of for a while. When i saw her in her sitcom, I just love her vivacious, funny but no nonsense mother character. She's sure something else to watch. Over the years she lose weight but she never became stick thin. Recently i heard she's running for President? Well, good luck, m'dear.

Chandra Wilson a.k.a Dr Miranda Bailey
Chandra Wilson is up next. I must admit i have only seen her act in Grey Anatomy but it stuck to me and i simply loved her no-nonsense character. She has won numerous awards for her role in this series and it shows why. 

Gabourey as Claireece in the movie Precious

An old picture of her during `Rosanne' years.

She took Hollywood by storm. Gabourey Sidibe took the role as Claireece "Precious" Jones and i bet her life changed in real life after that. A check in Wikipedia showed she won 14 awards and was nominated 15 times for that her first breakthrough. It was that effective and it speaks volumes to me that people want to see real life scenarios on the screen. We escape real life to see movies and sometimes movies like these makes us stayed glued to the screen, simply because it's different and it's real. I've to admit that i was put off at first seeing her in Precious but as it progresses, I sat through the whole movie and in the end, I really thought she did an impressive job. Recently I read that she has lost 50 pounds! Congratulations, girl! She done it out of health problems and that's always the best motivation for people like me. I'll definitely continue to watch out for this force of nature.

Look out for this one.

So it goes to show BBW do have a place in this world where Barbie likes are preferred. Except of course, we have to work extra hard to excel in this type of uphill battle. May the force be in all of you, my little grasshoppers.......life, after all, is like a box of chocolates. 

Exercise Exercise Exercise

Okay…….this part is my weakest. Snip off Samson’s long hair and he loses his power, as in Superman with Kryptonite….same scenario with me and exercise.

I don’t like the huffing and puffing part as it reminds me of my asthma attacks, just thinking of it makes me want to reach for my Ventolin inhaler! Neither do I like the idea of sweaty pits, wet patches in the t-shirt which outlines the bra…face turning red and struggling to look all cool when inside I feel like diving into a tub of ice. Forget about the burn at my carves and pinching pain on my lower back, how about my bruised ego when people turn to stare and actually laugh seeing all that. Yeah…that all happened at my both attempts to jog last week.   

After losing 10kgs, it has been a struggle to lose more. I figure that I cannot possiblily eat anymore less than I already am, afterall, I’m aiming to learn how to eat rather than be in a diet. So I guess a try is to up my exercise regime. For the past 4 months, I’ve been faithfully cycling on my recumbent exercise bike, a good investment for someone overweight with back problems like me. I started with 15mins and gradually increased to 50mins. I must watch a tv series or a good movie in order to not feel like I’m doing it, like, forever. It can get rather boring but still, I managed to get my heart rate up to 140 to know I’m burning calories and getting a good workout. Pat on my back, it’s a HUGE change for a couch potato like me. I mean, I do housework and I’m always on the move but to actually exercise is sometimes I haven’t done in……wow….more than 15 years.

If I were to surf the internet on for weight loss bloggers who are successful, I somehow, always see that the exercise regime that works is running. Very often, it’s a slow jog and later a run. And pretty soon, they’re running marathons! My sister lost and maintained her weight by running. She does other exercises too but running seem to be her primary regime and she really seem to enjoy doing it. 

Perhaps I was a little too over zealous to just suddenly jog like that. Even from secondary school, I hated it and when I did it last week, the feeling didn’t change. I could feel every fat cell in my body jiggling and wobbling, I was very conscious of all that. I think even if there’s no one around at that park, I myself would be my greatest critic.

But still, I shouldn’t pass this jogging thing so fast. Perhaps next time, I’ll do a big walk first and very, very slowly pick up from there.

I’ll still continue to see what else I can do for exercise. My next try is an old favorite of mine……..dancing. Woo Woo!!!!!!

Diet plan part 1 - snacks and breakfast.

My style of eating throughout the years have always been, well, more than 3 FULL meals a day. I don't snack because it sounds....errr....`limited' as snacking only allows you, like what, one bowl of fruits, some biscuits or (yeah, it's an OR not a AND) maybe glass of milk. Might i add i don't drink milk either, it's a habit i never i since i was a kid and found it difficult to stomach even if i tried, not that i'm lactose intolerance. 

But there came a lot of times when we have that FIRST bite of potato chips or a small bite of that moist chocolate cake...hhmmm.....how can we just stop at one? I'd finish the whole bag, non stop or the whole piece of cake (though finishing one whole cake doesn't sound impossible!). It's one of those snacks that once we start eating, we just can't stop. 

I had some problem with this during the past 4 months of learning to eat. I'd not snack for days into weeks and then, suddenly there's this Pringles Potato Chips for sale at the supermarket. I got 2 tubes of it, thinking i'll just eat a little bit of it while my husband and kids can finish the rest........yeah right!! Goes without saying what happened at just two sitting, i finished them to the last bit of salt. And you know how it felt after that. A mixture of contentment, pleasure and toppings of extreme guilt.

I have to do something about this snacking part. So i came up a snacking system where i keep raw cut vegetables in my fridge, stored in nice containers (for presentation??) and whenever i feel the HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, it's a system devised for emotional eaters like me), i'd just eat as many as i want.

Picture of the right is prepared by me this morning, containing 3 stalks of celery, 1 carrot, 1 head of broccoli (yeah, raw...takes time to get used to it) and 1 zucchini. It'll do no harm if i finish them all today or in two days, they're good for me. And yes, it takes time to get used to them and they taste nothing like potato chips but the feeling i get after eating these are fulfillment, satisfaction and pride.

Breakfast was another problem for me. I'm so used to a local food called `Nasi Lemak' which pairs with piping hot black `Aik Cheong' coffee or Nescafe....like heaven on top of heaven!! Pictures on the left....yummy.... hhhmmmmmmmmm.....and they're easily more than 500 calories just for breakfast. I ate them every single day for......err......a very long time. Pictured below..........

My New Breakfast Option, less than 200 cal!

So i've to toss the idea, picture of it in my mind, the taste of it in my mouth and nostrils (i give my husband the evil eye whenever he brings them back to eat). It was something very hard to do but for my health and family sake, i must. It's a ultimatum for me, do or die...literally. So I tried, tested and found that drinking Horlicks, with a couple of spoons of instant oats and some protein powder helps. I added the protein powder because my hair was failling a lot and it's something i bought (which later i found out would do my hair no use) for sale at a pharmacy. It's nearing it's expiry date and it's a waste not to finish it, even on sale it's expensive to me (about RM55). If i'm feeling peckish, i'll nibble some dry crackers along with it. And would immediately move along with housework. Staying idle would make me imagine food that i cannot eat, so move it!!!

My Diet Changes in the past 4 months.

Yes!! I’ve done it! Now I’m 90kgs and it’s been more than 15 years that I was 100kgs. I remember this as 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with diabetes and my endocrinologist was forever harping me to lose weight, at least let my weight be in double digits. I waited for this weight to remain at 90 whenever I stepped on the scale, to make sure it’s not water weight. Actually I’m 1kg less than my target for this month, I wasn’t feeling very good about it for the past few weeks. I’ve targeted myself to lose 3 kgs every month. Something I feel is more achievable. Slowly but surely. So I’ve put the below list to look at whenever I need a boost. It’s a list of changes I’ve made within this 4 months, I would say they’re very drastic changes in my diet. They seem nothing to others but to me, it’s about breaking the cycle and for someone like me, it’s super hard.

1. Stopped drinking diet coke and pepsi max – I’ve this intense love for carbonated (gassy) drinks. It give me a real KICK when I’m in tired or stressed. Since I’m diabetic, diet coke and pepsi max `seems’ to be the only ones I can drink with having a sugar spike, sugar headache or going into diabetic coma!! I can drink one or two cans a day and eventhough it says it’s almost zero calories, there was a nagging feeling inside me that says this is not good for my body. Artificial sugars as just as bad as raw sugar, no matter how you try to exchange it. For diabetics, it’s always best to go cold turkey.

Drink more Green Tea

2. Stopped drinking coffee and tea – same like drinking carbonated drinks, it gave me another extra boost when I need a pick-me-up or complete a meal I’m eating. Drink piping hot black coffee with a large packet of nasi lemak (a local dish) is a must every morning for many years. My favorite would be `Aik Cheong’ brand, so fragrant and strong. I’ve tried quitting coffee before but I got bad withdrawal symptoms like headaches within just a day. Later when I read about these withdrawal symptoms in the internet, I’m surprised to learn that some painkillers (taken for the headaches) have some caffeine in them. These small dosage of caffeine in the painkillers helps in the withdrawal headaches. I was `A-HA! I didn’t know that’. So my next trick was to drink very light tea whenever those headaches comes and sure enough, the headaches instantly goes away. Within a week, I noticed the headaches are no more and I’m very pleased to discover coffee doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I’m coffee free after so many years!!!  Why? I’ve been told that for every one cup of coffee I drink, I must drink 4 cups of plain water to replenish the calcium lost. I was told this by a masseur when I was suffering from a DOUBLE slipped disc for more than 4 months. Anyone who has slipped disc before would understand the pain, yeah, so bad that you’d enough to want to make changes in your lives. 

3. I’ve started to take oats for breakfast – well, more like a beverage as it’s mixed with Horlicks. I can’t stomach the full taste of gooey, stickiness of card box and it so reminds of all my hospital stays. I’ve asked a friend before what she ate for breakfast to lose weight and she told me to try oatmeal. Truthfully, the thought of having oatmeal for breakfast is as near as sentencing me to life in jail. I cannot imagine not beginning my day with my black coffee and nasi lemak, but hey, as I’ve said before, I HAVE to make changes. Of course it was hard but come to think of it, breakfast was actually something to be taken before 8am. Snacks or anything light is at 10am and then it’s lunch about 12.30 to 1pm. You need 2 hours to digest food and let poor stomach rest before loading it with food again. My dietician (when I was pregnant) frankly told me I’m eating heavy meals every 2 hours and I didn’t realize that until she told me. Anyways, with my hectic mornings in getting my kids ready for school, I usually find time for my usual breakfast only at 9.15am, I mean, common, who gets hungry so early in the morning? Now, I’ve to make my meals count, no matter how busy (or lazy) I am. So it’s insulin injection about 7.30am and my horlicks oats drink after that. If I’m hungry in an hour, I’ll allow myself some oat biscuit to chew at. Usually by 11am, I’d feel the hunger pangs coming on but I’ve learnt to ignore them and scold them into keeping quiet. `It’s only an hour to lunch time, can you wait?’. But I do have some `chee cheong fun’ with some side fish ball once every week or some tim sum. But I don’t crave for nasi lemak anymore. Although my husband do eat them, the whole house would smell of it and I’d give him the evil eye. But I’ve learnt that walking away from it, switch on my PC to play games helps to keep my mind off it.

Grapefruit - one of my many new companions

4. Grapefruit – I’ve always read that this fruit is good for losing weight but hate the sour taste it gives. I cannot eat or drink oranges and somehow, grapefruit is like a substitute for me. I heard it also helps lower insulin levels and blood pressure too. True? I don’t know but it’s a healthy fruit to have. I eat them whenever I have cravings, the sourness of it makes me forget them!

5. I only eat white rice once a week – I live in a country where white rice is the staple diet. It’s eaten on all 3 main meals and it’s something I am determined to change for my children. I’ve tested myself after eating rice and my sugar is always over 10, and it’s only one small Chinese bowl of rice. Forget about brown rice or multi-grain rice, they don’t taste as good!! Like I said, I’d rather go cold turkey. I do allow myself a treat once in a while, usually it’s when I’m eating at my favorite Japanese restaurant where they serve yummy fried garlic rice. I would slow eat the small bowl of it, feel a little guilty but I’ll tell myself that I need this to keep sane, I’m not dieting, I’m learning how to eat.

The above are the most obvious changes in my diet that has helped me lose weight. I think about them when I need motivation to keep on in my marathon of life. Other than that, I exercise on my recumbent bike for 45 mins (I started at 15mins, which felt like forever) about 4-5times a week. This part of exercise I shall blog at another time, it’s a whole different story!!