Took me about 3 and half months to lose 10kgs and it took that exact time for me to put back on the 10kgs.

I'm back to wear i started.

I'm such a failure.

Doomed to be fat for life.

I so hate myself

I hope YOU are happy now.

Dark Clouds, please go away.....

It's down time for me for this several months after losing 10kgs, I not only stumbled on a concrete wall but i currently put back on 5kgs.

Perhaps it's the external pressure and also pressure i put upon myself that made me fall off the bandwagon. I know i'm dealing with emotional eating problems as i'm back to snacking and i crave a lot more now.

But thank God i didn't go back to drinking caffeine or carbonated drinks, or eating rice...although there are two or three instances i ate a whole plate of fried rice.

I've read that emotional eating is from feelings of loneliness, boredom, stress or just plain physically tired. I feel all of them, so how?

There are times now that i find myself preparing for the worst, getting unattached from my family. I want them to not depend on me so much.....this is so...that when i die, they won't be left hanging so much. I'm teaching my kids to pick up after themselves, do some housework. Not because i'm lazy and want them to do the housework, but because mu husband won't have to hurriedly look for another wife to look after them. Of course i allow my husband to re-marry after i'm gone but she has to be a better person than me, a better mother, a better wife. That is my only clause.

I've so much health problems this year, right from my asthma attacks, my slipped disc, my swollen head and then me losing my hair. When started losing weight, i feel, somehow, in control of my life. That perhaps that is the push i needed to improve my health. But now? Why am i always such a failure?

Weight Loss Surgery

Yesterday as i was channel surfing, I stopped at an old Oprah talk show (2009) on a then latest weight loss surgery, which was still on experiment. It's a Deep Brain Stimulation Surgery for Weight Loss. Check out her website on this at http://www.oprah.com/health/Radical-Weight-Loss-Surgery How interesting is that, sounds gruesome but still interesting enough for me to keep watching.

Carol Poe is a 60 year old (that makes her 62 now) morbidly obese woman who has tried all diets, exercises including stomach stapling and gastric bypass to lose weight. She is only the second person in the United State who underwent this trial surgery.

Two electrical probes is inserted 4 inches into Carol's brain, to reach the part where our appetite stimulats are. It's a 3 hour surgery which requires the patient to be awake the entire time. The brain feels no pain, so only anesthetics are applied on the skin of the head. This 2 electrical probes are linked to 2 pacemaker like thingies located on lower left and right shoulder. So there has to be 2 wires running from her brain, down to her neck to reach the shoulders. After the wounds have healed, the devices are  turned on.

During the talk show, Carol said that she has already lost 11 pounds since the surgery 9 weeks back. She claims to have no food cravings after that and is making better choices on her diet.

Now, I wanted to know what is the latest update on Carol Poe and there seems to be no information of this on the internet. Perhaps i need to search deeper. But I came across a lot of conversations and remarks on this surgery. All of which i felt were negative and sort-of putting Carol Poe down for going through such desperate measures to lose weight.

In my point of view, she was EXTREMELY BRAVE to offer herself in this trial. Only another obese person would know how she feels being so overweight like that. A lot of times, I've felt i'd rather die than continue being like this, so i understand Carol's choice. She was actually excited about being awake during the procedure, she felt no pain and heard the saw drilling into her head. I was, like, WOW. She's awesome! 

Applause Please!

So, to Carol Poe, I admire your bravery and determination to overcome your problem. I will continue to find out about your progress, I do hope it was successful. If not, you have nerves of steel to go through that. At least you tried and i believe you will continue trying. 

JENNIFER HUDSON

I've long been a red carpet follower, a celebrity watcher of Hollywood. What they wear, what they do, whatever juicy gossips (however true or not is actually irrelevant), they all interests me. 


This person, Jennifer Hudson, however, it getting rather irritating to watch. She started from American Idol, then on to winning an Oscar for her role in Dream Girls. But this two events are nothing compared to the publicity she's getting from losing weight. Every single remark i get for the past 2 years have been about how much weight she's losing, how great she looks, she being a Jenny Craig spokesperson, blah, blah, blah.   


Me, jealous? I've search that within me but the answer is NO. I'm forever looking for people to inspire me and give that `If she can do it, so can i' feeling. For the first few pictures of her losing weight, yes, I was impressed but after that, it gets irritating. Like a fruit fly in my face.

I'm, like, ENOUGH ALREADY!!

So, to give her a place in my blog is a just prize for her efforts. But please, don't keep rubbing it on my face.

During her American Idol days

A size 16 on 2006

She won an Oscar for Dream Girls on 2007

During her pregnancy on 2009

Hence forth, the below is the current new her....sigh......a size zero. Enough? Let's move on......

 Someone please get me some chocolates.

I chanced upon an article in Top Sante magazine, July 2011 issue (left pic). The cover story titled `Is Exercise Making You Fat?’ obviously caught my attention.

After reading it, I realize that I’ve to look at my weight loss program in a different perspective. I would like to share some of it’s key points that spoke volumes to me.

* If we’re honest, most of us see exercise as a form of punishment made bearable only by that virtuous feeling when it’s all over. Example : a Lou Fox, 37, from Warwickshire, says `the best part of my Zumba class is when it ends and I can go for coffee and cake’. This is not a healthy attitude.

* Exercise is important to health and wellbeing, but it should never be used as a coping strategy for overeating.

One study compared two groups: those who watched an extra hour of TV a day and those who did an extra hour of exercise. Guess which group ate the most? The exercisers – on average. Another study drew a similar conclusion, after women who were asked to do supervised exercise to lose weight just increased their food intake to compensate.

* Doing more exercise means the body simply resets it’s equilibrium, so you have to increase your calorie intake to make up for the extra fuel requirements – or else conserve energy by doing less. You end up wolfing down two dinners after your aerobics class or spend the rest of the evening on the sofa with your feet up because you’re so exhausted.

* If you ‘re using exercise as a coping strategy for disordered eating, it’s unlikely to be sustainable.

* Exercising can become a form of bulimia. If you use it to purge your body of calories, it can be hard to step off the treadmill – physically and mentally. The guilt takes over until you can’t eat anything without exercising – you must go to the gym, whether you want to or not, it becomes all-consuming.

* There’s no getting away from the fact the only way to lose weight AND keep it off is to change your eating habits.

* Not that anybody is suggesting we ditch exercise altogether, simply that we change our thinking. Ironically when you start to exercise for the right reasons, you’re much more likely to maintain it. The mood boost you get will have a knock=on effect on your diet and you’ll be less likely to comfort eat in the first place.

Does any of the above ring bells for you and sounds familiar?

Somehow I feel sorry for my body which I’ve been punishing and my mind which I’ve been fooling for these past few months. Everyday I face that calendar infront of me, reminding myself how many more days till end of the month where I should have lost my target weight for that month. I constantly berate and curse myself for being so weak and useless. I feel so much shame and guilt after I wolf down that extra helping and I never want look myself in the mirror or catch my own reflection to remind myself what a failure I have been and will continue to be.

I’ve always been `bullied’ for my weight. From when I was little until now, during school days, working days and even strangers who whisper, giggle or give me that disgusted look, I made all that my motivation to lose weight. And everytime when a diet fails or when weight piles on, I feel as though I have let myself down. In actual fact, I am my worse enemy.  I criticize myself the most.

I guess I have a lot to ponder on, to reflect on. But I do need to continue with my diet, I’ve achieved a milestone already. Isn’t this journey such a pain in the ass? There are wars in Afghanistan and famine in Somalia, crisis in the East, the world is in turmoil. But the greatest war is, within me. 

Hitting a brick wall

For the past 2 months, my weight loss plan seem to be at a stand still. I’m stuck at 90kgs, after losing 10kgs. I suppose the good part is that I HAVE already lost some weight BUT the bad part seem to out weigh the good now. I’m 4 kgs behind schedule. And although some of the habits I’ve painfully ditched like caffeine and rice did not return, some of my old ones did. Snacking is one, cravings is another. In a diet like mine, with this body of mine, I find I simply cannot snack or eat in between meals. Once I start, it’s VERY hard to stop.

My senses seem to be working against me in this one. When I was at the cyber café the other day, I heard the sound of someone eating, munching potato chips. Oh! The sound of the crispiness, crackling inside the mouth. It’s simply too much to not imagine the food in my head, I didn’t have to turn to look at who’s eating it and what they’re eating, my imagination did all that. That stayed with me for a few days until I just have to buy a bag of it and polish it all in one go. It was very satisfying but of course, I felt like crap after that.

Another strange thing I’ve been craving for everyday are chicken liver! I really don’t know why I seem to can’t have enough of it since I’ve never liked them before. I’ve checked in the internet and it seems about one pop is about 130calories….and I’ve been eating about 3 of them for breakfast! This has to stop!!

My eyes also betrayed me as I caught a glimpse of one of my favourite food, ebi tempura. Ebi tempura is a Japanese cuisine – deep fried prawns in batter. Yeah, the word deep fried is sin enough. And again, that imagine stayed in my mind for a few days and as all cravings that cannot be ignored, I just have to eat it before I go out of my mind.

Exercise has also taken a back seat. I keep an exercise dairy, in order to make sure I have at least 30mins of exercise 5-6 times a week. I’m so disappointed to see that in the month of October, the whole thing was empty.

Help me, Jesus, no matter how silly my requests are. I know you listen to me. My weight loss is important to me.Take away my food cravings, my addictions. I want to be a better person, not only for me but for my kids and family. I implore You, Jesus. Give me this chance as You have given me so many. 

Common, girl. Get up and jump back on the band wagon. You need to do this. Not only for yourself, but for your kids. Remember how sick you felt before? You want to go through that again?? NO!! Find that strength inside yourself again, you can do this. You CAN do this. Prove them all wrong!!   

Recently I read from FatFighterTV that there is a personal trainer who is making himself fat on purpose. That caught my attention immediately. So much so, i feel it deserves to be mentioned here in my blog.

His name is Drew Manning and judging from this photo, you can see the very obvious changes he made of himself. Since May this year, he has put on 70 pounds and it seems he's not done yet. His mission is to put on a lot of weight for 6 months and then lost all that weight in the next 6 months. He calls it the `Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit' journey.

In his interview, he talked about how he's putting all that weight with no exercise and unrestricted diet. He also experienced what his clients means as food craving and the withdrawal symptoms. It's awesome reading that from a totally fir people before this. It's awesome that someone would want to know how we, obese people, feel.

Is this some kind of hoax or publicity stunt? Photos can be altered and there's just too many people seeking attention these days. I'm out of there if somehow later, we have to pay to know his progress or later find out this is all a stupid joke. Well, for me, it's worth following his progress and i would appreciate any advice and tips he can offer from his experience.

You can follow his journey at http://fit2fat2fit.com/. I know i will.  Good luck, Mr Drew!!